it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
