Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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