If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
