Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
