Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
