I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
