she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
