I have demons in me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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