if only i could text you this smell
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
