I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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