and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
