i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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