someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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