I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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