I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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