how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
