if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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