Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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