so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
