make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
