I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
