...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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