i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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