i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
