just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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