I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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