if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How many fucks given?
0.12846
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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