are you so shy because you have an std?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
