So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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