Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
