seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
