I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
