I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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