you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
high people should be assigned attendants
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
