WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
