I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
