I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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