I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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