You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
