a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
