I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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