Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
