I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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