I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
