Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
