his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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