so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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