don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
