shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
