I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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