I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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