im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
